Messy moments: Saying no when you mean it

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A colleague asks you to take their place at an important meeting off-site this week.

You’re pleased that they trust you with the responsibility.

You understand their situation: They have to take their child to a doctor’s appointment.

You’re exhausted – you already put in long hours at work. You have family responsibilities you’ll have to get help with…. You also hoped to “steal” an hour for exercise.

You want to say no. Yet you want to be known as a team player…

We’ve all been there. Saying no is uncomfortable. It’s easier to say yes. Yet you may regret it.

Masterclass: Say no consciously and kindly to take back your time, energy and the life you want

1. Slow down on the highway to yes
   1. Get more information to make a wiser decision. There’s always pressure to answer quickly yet you need information to make a decision that you can live with. Too often we want to please so we say yes without fully understanding what we’re getting into or even why we’re being asked. Respond to the request with clarifying questions so that you know clearly what they want you to do by when with what conditions.
      1. Decide what you need to know about the ask. The list of questions below may help.
         

ASK SOME OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS to clarify the Ask

Please tell me more:

• What do you want me to do by when, with whom? Get specific and concrete.
• Who would help me? Who would I work with? Can I count on them?
• Who is this favor and work really for?

Then ask for a day to consult your calendar.

Ask yourself the following questions so you understand what the request means for you

1. Ask yourself questions that clarify what the ask means to you and to the future You

• What exactly is the cost for you of saying yes? What do you give up if you say yes?
• Do I want to spend the time & energy required on this?
• How, if at all, will saying yes add value to my life?
• Whom am I really saying yes or no to? What are the possible consequences for me – positive and negative – if it goes well?If it doesn't go well?

[Email me for more questions to better understand its meaning for you]

1. Create criteria for your yes. From your thinking above, list 3 to 5 conditions that enable you to make a decision.
   1. You may have to start with: what is your purpose? What matters most to you? Where do you want to be in five years?
   2. Rank your criteria: Is career-building a top priority? Where does time with your children or partner rank?
   3. To get crystal clear, ask: Would I do this if it had to be done tomorrow? This tells you if it really matters to you

1. Tell yourself something better. If you feel like you cannot possibly say no, you are likely telling yourself something like “I shouldn’t say no.” “The No will make them dislike me.”

Our self-talk often belittles and blames us. We are our harshest critics!

A powerful truth: Your mind listens to your inner talk and believes it.

Re-write the inner script to reflect who you truly are and want.

Say: “I choose X because it enables me to move toward yyyyy...”

You state that you believe in yourself and encourage yourself to do what you most care about

• Even in the most challenging moments, “I choose this” powerfully says you give time and energy to a purpose worth your attention. You take care of yourself . That’s your job, no one else’s.
• Script your response Many of us say yes because we’re uncomfortable saying No. Script a response that’s respectful, generous, clear, conditional. Like, “That’s kind of you to invite me. I must say no now…” with a reason. Or with a suggestion of someone else appropriate. So you solve their problem.
  • Practice it with unimportant No’s so you’ll remember it.
  • Don’t skip this step

1. Your well-considered, wholehearted yes:
   1. Decide if this yes is right for you now! The right yes enables you to collaborate well, increase your influence, make an impact – because it’s something that has value for you and for others. Offer a yes that counts and give it heartily.
   2. The critical condition for a hearty Yes is to take something off your plate. You likely have a very full desktop. We can’t stay sane, stress-free to a new Yes unless we make room for it. Know what you’ll subtract before saying Yes.

Saying no is a great thing! And a necessary one

• You claim agency in your life when you say no. It feels good to make choices! If you decide yes, you say yes to something that matters. You say yes to your priorities.
• You take care of yourself. Saying no to a distraction reflects your self-respect. You choose reasonable over overwhelm. That improves wellbeing. Choosing reasonable reduces fatigue and hopelessness. You choose delicious, important dishes without overeating at the buffet table.
• Choosing what you can make time for increases work quality and productivity.
• Others trust you more because you do what you say you will do. You improve your work relationships because you wholeheartedly take on Yes tasks and set boundaries turning down others.

Say yes more slowly. Say no more often. It’s a great life hack.

Workplaces flood people with requests, tasks we did not plan or ask for, excessive expectations. Work has increased in complexity and uncertainty. Many organizations also aim to do more with less.

Overwhelming tasks and unreasonable deadlines squeeze our cognitive capabilities. Choosing what you can handle improves our clarity and intelligence. We do the tasks better by culling the mountain of distractions.

Saying no is not easy.

Yet saying no preserves your most important asset - your time. No gives you calmness and control over your time and energy. You make space for the people and activities you care about. Others will notice and will value you for it.