Giver or getter: Which one are you?

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I grew to look upon life as getting life's rewards by hard work and being able to defer gratification. The idea of giving myself away came much later in life. I found enjoyment in helping prepare Thanksgiving baskets for the homeless. I am an amateur magician, and I enjoy giving away entertainment to the children at the local Ronald McDonald's House and doing magic shows for nursing home residents. Talk about gear shifting--children were in awe when I changed a red silk to green or found coins in their ears. Some of the residents at the nursing home were in cognitive decline and couldn't remember the name of the card they selected. Nonetheless, they enjoyed the show, a diversion from bingo games and chair exercises. My enjoyment of giving away these shows was a great pleasure that lasted long after the shows were over. The euphoria from preparing Thanksgiving baskets and the magic shows probably the results of releasing those feel-good hormones dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins.

Givers do not expect anything in return. They give of themselves with no strings attached.

I know people who are accomplished and financially successful. They are philanthropic and donate to many local, national, and global causes. However, giving money is the least permanent pleasure resulting from giving. Merely donating money is likely to backfire on the giver. Let the truth be told that it is far more rewarding to give a small portion of yourself instead of a valuable article or lucre. I am sure no one finds real and lasting happiness as a getter. It is a rule of life that we enrich ourselves more by what we give ourselves than by what we get. It is impossible to give yourself away without receiving more than you give. This giving principle is contagious and worth catching.

So, how can you give and reap the rewards of giving yourself away? It may start with giving up your seat on a crowded bus to a woman or older man. I am reminded of a young lady approaching a man reading his email and asking if he would participate in a survey. He agreed, and she asked, "If you were on a crowded bus and a lady got on the bus, would you give her your seat?" He said, "No."

She asked, "If the woman was pregnant, would you give her your seat?" Again, he replied, "No."

Then she asked if it was an old man with a cane, would you give him your seat?" Again, he said, "No."

The interviewer said, "Sir, you are a selfish, inconsiderate man, aren't you?"

He said, "No, ma'am, I'm the bus driver!"

Certainly, the bus driver would be exempt for not giving of himself. But what about others?

One year after Thanksgiving, I ordered a town car to take my staff to a mall. Each staff member was given $100 and told they had to spend the money on a Christmas gift for themselves. The staff dispersed in the mall and returned with the presents they bought. (Figure 1) I told them it was my way of saying thank you for all they did to give our patients a positive experience. Although this was a monetary gift, I was pleased to see the smiles and enjoyment that this surprise generated.

Micro-giving

Giving a little of yourself by micro-giving or sharing something small but meaningful with others is easy. For example, you can pay a compliment to someone who rarely receives one or send a thank-you note.

A little history of giving through thank-you notes

Several years ago, I had the pleasure of a five-minute meeting with Lou Holtz, the head football coach at Notre Dame from 1986-1996. One week after meeting the famous coach, I received a personal note from Coach Holtz acknowledging our meeting and highlighting several points we had discussed, including our mutual interest in motivating others to reach their full potential.

I called Coach Holtz and asked him how he was able, with his busy schedule, to find time to write such a personal note and remember details from our brief conversation. During our subsequent conversation, Coach Holtz revealed some of his note-writing principles and illustrated how notes can have a similar empowering impact on people in your life. We covered the following points:

To whom should you write?

Coach Holtz says to write to anyone you want to express gratitude, appreciation, congratulations, or acknowledgment. He writes to his barber or a waitress to see if he receives good service. If someone goes the "extra mile" for Coach Holtz or his family, that person receives a personal note. Coach Holtz is so committed to note-writing that he encouraged his coaching staff and players to write at least one note daily.

Handwritten or email?

Handwritten thank-you notes are considered more important than a text or email. Research suggests that expressing gratitude through written letters can have mood-enhancing effects. A handwritten thank you note has a greater impact than an email note. A quick text or email is better than no card at all. I prefer to send an email quickly, often on the same day as interacting with another person. Of course, a timely handwritten note is better if you are interviewing for a position, as this will likely separate you from other applicants.

How do you remember to whom you will write?

The best way to remember is to write yourself a note! I use voice recognition to create a reminder on my cell phone. When you write or dictate the names of people to write, you can also record a keyword (s) that will jog your memory later about your conversation.

How long showed your note be?

According to Coach Holtz, the shorter the note you send, the better it will be received. The recipient may be overwhelmed with junk mail, faxes, and letters that must be read and responded to. If your note is short, your note will be read. My take-home message: A concise note delivered in a timely fashion is better than a longer note that takes days or weeks to arrive.

What should the content of your note include?

You want to immediately grasp the attention of your reader. Coach Holtz suggests that the first sentence gives the reason for your note. He usually begins his notes by stating, "The purpose of this note is..." or "I just wanted to say thank you for..." and then gives the specific reason he's writing.

Why is timing important?

As with all forms of communication, promptness is essential. The sooner your note is on the desk or in the hands of the person to whom you write, the more significant its impact. Think of the difference between a note arriving 1 to 2 days after communicating with someone and a note arriving weeks or months later. Suppose you're serious about incorporating note-writing into your practice or personal life. In that case, you must prioritize and organize your day's activities to make time for them.

Why are timely notes so important in building your network? Social psychologists report that written communication is one of the best ways to enhance relationships. Everyone would like to receive a compliment, and the thoughts enclosed in a timely, appreciative note can be read and savored for a long time. My encounter with Coach Holtz underscored for me why so many professionals should make use of timely notes.

Coach Holtz believes that the few minutes you take each day to write a note of thanks, congratulations, or acknowledgment to a friend or colleague are an investment in your friendships and practice. Today, networking is a contact sport. My encounter with Coach Holtz emphasized that successful professionals, including Rotarians, will discover the value of a timely thank-you note.

The Bottom Line

Perhaps if we focus on giving instead of getting, we will become better doctors and better people.

Neil Baum, MD, a Professor of Clinical Urology at Tulane University in New Orleans, LA. Dr. Baum is the author of several books, including the best-selling book, Marketing Your Medical Practice-Ethically, Effectively, and Economically, which has sold over 225,000 copies and has been translated into Spanish.